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Sob Sob Sob Sob Sob Story

Majority of my blogs seem so sobby and what not.  But - it definitely helps me.  No one is forcing you to read this.  Is anyone even reading this?  I don't really care much.

I'm sure if I were going through some excellent times, this blogspot would be seeing a lot of happier blogs.  But it would make sense that I'm not entirely happy, that some things might be going wrong, so I'll write about it.  There are a lot of things I refrain from saying/blogging, conscious about what I put out there and what I might come off as.  But, when it comes down to it, I really just want to put this down and be able to look back at what I might have gone through, what was going on my life at the time.  My memory can only store so much.  After awhile the specific details that I thought I'd never forget become a blur.

BUT - Just to settle this internal conflict, my next investment:

Red Moleskine Journal!

I cannot waiitttttttt to be over this.  (the mindset I'm trying to take on)  Or of course, for things to get better

Anberlin speaks: "God, if You can hear me out all right - please take these feelings for her inside"

There are 3 things I pray really hard for everyday

(With the ridiculous idea in my head that more options will make my chances better.  Also, in want order)

1.  For my "fairy tale" ending, or close to it

2.  To take these feelings away

3.  For better to arrive, if it even exists

I had a good talk with my good friend Nathaniel today.  Gosh, I love him!

He shared with me 1 Timothy 6:6 - ⁶But godliness with contentment is great gain."

What he got out of it was to just be happy with what we have, because God has given us so much.  And the rest is just extra stuff, and amazing stuff.  If you're already happy, you can only be happier.

Someone asked me if I was okay, today.  It always makes me giggle because I think I'm generally always pretty okay.  I even asked, "couldn't you tell?"  He replied, "no.  a lot of people are good at hiding it."  I had to think about it, but if I had to think about it, then obviously it wasn't really the case.  Yeah, in some cases, it is the case (that sounds funny), but... God does amazing things.  A lot of things seemed and still seem so unbearable, but He promised he wouldn't.

Wow, I don't mean to get all Jesus freak on you.  But - sometimes it strikes me how people can-not-be.

Today I made cookies

My Daddy loves playing Pacman.  So I decided to make Pacman cookies for fathers day.  They're pretty cute.

I'm obsessed.

Like all I want to do is bake cookies, and eat them all day.  And cook all day.  And shop all day.  And spend money all day.  And dream all day.  And eat all day.  And run all day.  And want all day.  And try to forget all day.  And wish all day.  And hope all day.  And play tennis all day.  And ride bikes all day.  And eat more cookies all day.  And do sit ups all day.  And spend time with the girls all day.  And be silly all day. And all eat more cookies.

Damn, I really like cookies.

Running and Tennis

I started my training today with tennis.  Something a little lighter, a little less draggy, a little more fun. My good friends are always here to my rescue.  Monday tennis, woo!

Life is crazy.  That pretty much sums it all up.  I just got home yesterday after a long, happy, depressing, fattening, nice, tiring, 4 day weekend.  I'm never going to forget its events, and I'm slowly but surely growing and making the necessary changes that are needed in my life.  It was definitely a wake up call.  And if there's anything I learned:

1.   I definitely can't do anything on my own, as much as I think I can.  

2.  I'm so much weaker than I thought I was, or at least.. not as strong as I thought I was.  (Yes, there is a difference.)

3.  When you've reached your lowest point, there really is no where to go but back up.  And lastly, 

4.  I realized how important it is to accept defeat.  

We are definitely given a lot, and when things get taken away it seems so sucky.  But really, these things might just be exactly what we need for the time being.  We just don't want to believe it.  Or at least, I didn't.

I'm hoping for a lot of things but trying not to expect things.  I'm better than the person I was yesterday.  I'm awesome sometimes, and sometimes I'm a rah-tard.  Heh Heh.

Someday I'll make whoever really happy. I know it. I'm really not that bad.

And:  I'm still going with the flow.  I just need to... eliminate all feelings! Okay - she's back.

What's going on here?

It's like, I think I know what I need to do, but it won't let me do what I think I need to do! Wtfx!

Just a little longer

But can a little longer, be a little shorter?

The agonyyy!!!!

No one ever said it would be easy

But I can handle it.

I'm still too hopeful.  It's probably because - every time I think I see what's coming, which is usually for the worst, things turn around.  I always get proven wrong, for the better.

Please don't take this from me.