I'm not conceited, I promise

And in no way will admit to or do I even believe that I'm beautiful or gorgeous
(But I don't think I'm ugly, don't trip on that either)

But for some reason... after seeing her. Well not ACTUALLY seeing her, but yea. For some reason...... I know I'm supposed to feel like, "deng, what about me dough..?"
But for SOME REASON.. I'm actually happy. Really, I can't help but laugh.. it's quite hilarious.

I could follow you to the beginning
And just relive the start
And maybe then we'll remember to slow down
To all of our favorite parts

All I wanted was you

10 Things I Hate About You Sonnet

Kat Stratford: "I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."

Kat Bu: I hate the way you talk to me, the way you act like you don't care. I hate it how you're always clean. I hate it when you stare. I hate your stupid converse, and the way the way you never have the time. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Since no one really reads this

This is where I pour out my ridiculous feelings. Tumblr is not the place for that.

I just wanna break you down so badly
While I trip over everything you say
I just wanna break you down so badly
In the worst way

It's true. SO very true

I moved

KatBu.tumblr.com

Sob Sob Sob Sob Sob Story

Majority of my blogs seem so sobby and what not.  But - it definitely helps me.  No one is forcing you to read this.  Is anyone even reading this?  I don't really care much.

I'm sure if I were going through some excellent times, this blogspot would be seeing a lot of happier blogs.  But it would make sense that I'm not entirely happy, that some things might be going wrong, so I'll write about it.  There are a lot of things I refrain from saying/blogging, conscious about what I put out there and what I might come off as.  But, when it comes down to it, I really just want to put this down and be able to look back at what I might have gone through, what was going on my life at the time.  My memory can only store so much.  After awhile the specific details that I thought I'd never forget become a blur.

BUT - Just to settle this internal conflict, my next investment:

Red Moleskine Journal!

I cannot waiitttttttt to be over this.  (the mindset I'm trying to take on)  Or of course, for things to get better

Anberlin speaks: "God, if You can hear me out all right - please take these feelings for her inside"

There are 3 things I pray really hard for everyday

(With the ridiculous idea in my head that more options will make my chances better.  Also, in want order)

1.  For my "fairy tale" ending, or close to it

2.  To take these feelings away

3.  For better to arrive, if it even exists

I had a good talk with my good friend Nathaniel today.  Gosh, I love him!

He shared with me 1 Timothy 6:6 - ⁶But godliness with contentment is great gain."

What he got out of it was to just be happy with what we have, because God has given us so much.  And the rest is just extra stuff, and amazing stuff.  If you're already happy, you can only be happier.

Someone asked me if I was okay, today.  It always makes me giggle because I think I'm generally always pretty okay.  I even asked, "couldn't you tell?"  He replied, "no.  a lot of people are good at hiding it."  I had to think about it, but if I had to think about it, then obviously it wasn't really the case.  Yeah, in some cases, it is the case (that sounds funny), but... God does amazing things.  A lot of things seemed and still seem so unbearable, but He promised he wouldn't.

Wow, I don't mean to get all Jesus freak on you.  But - sometimes it strikes me how people can-not-be.

Today I made cookies

My Daddy loves playing Pacman.  So I decided to make Pacman cookies for fathers day.  They're pretty cute.

I'm obsessed.

Like all I want to do is bake cookies, and eat them all day.  And cook all day.  And shop all day.  And spend money all day.  And dream all day.  And eat all day.  And run all day.  And want all day.  And try to forget all day.  And wish all day.  And hope all day.  And play tennis all day.  And ride bikes all day.  And eat more cookies all day.  And do sit ups all day.  And spend time with the girls all day.  And be silly all day. And all eat more cookies.

Damn, I really like cookies.

Running and Tennis

I started my training today with tennis.  Something a little lighter, a little less draggy, a little more fun. My good friends are always here to my rescue.  Monday tennis, woo!

Life is crazy.  That pretty much sums it all up.  I just got home yesterday after a long, happy, depressing, fattening, nice, tiring, 4 day weekend.  I'm never going to forget its events, and I'm slowly but surely growing and making the necessary changes that are needed in my life.  It was definitely a wake up call.  And if there's anything I learned:

1.   I definitely can't do anything on my own, as much as I think I can.  

2.  I'm so much weaker than I thought I was, or at least.. not as strong as I thought I was.  (Yes, there is a difference.)

3.  When you've reached your lowest point, there really is no where to go but back up.  And lastly, 

4.  I realized how important it is to accept defeat.  

We are definitely given a lot, and when things get taken away it seems so sucky.  But really, these things might just be exactly what we need for the time being.  We just don't want to believe it.  Or at least, I didn't.

I'm hoping for a lot of things but trying not to expect things.  I'm better than the person I was yesterday.  I'm awesome sometimes, and sometimes I'm a rah-tard.  Heh Heh.

Someday I'll make whoever really happy. I know it. I'm really not that bad.

And:  I'm still going with the flow.  I just need to... eliminate all feelings! Okay - she's back.

What's going on here?

It's like, I think I know what I need to do, but it won't let me do what I think I need to do! Wtfx!

Just a little longer

But can a little longer, be a little shorter?

The agonyyy!!!!

No one ever said it would be easy

But I can handle it.

I'm still too hopeful.  It's probably because - every time I think I see what's coming, which is usually for the worst, things turn around.  I always get proven wrong, for the better.

Please don't take this from me.

Fuck.

-_-

My meter is filling

You know, the one that I got rid of a few months ago?  It's filling again.

As of lately, my insides are going crazy.

So, here's the deal:

1.  I just keeping wanting more/too much, or:

2.  What I'm getting is decreasing

At this point, I'm not even really sure

Check this gun show:

Hah.

Finals are finally over - thank God! The semesters are going by fast, and I'm loving it. Just anticipating grades, but hopeful. Hopeful about a lot of things.

Afraid to jynx anything

But can I just please never wake up?

Sherman

Ain't he cute?

He's stuck it out with me for almost 2 years now.  Best pet I've ever had!  My baaaaaby <333

Damn

What a crazy weekend.

Things are finally going uphill, tho.  A lot of things are changing for the better.  After the weekend and the following days, its official - I really do have great friends.  A lot of my questions answered.  & James Albano is back in town!  You'd be surprised what a significant difference he can make - and at the same time everyone seems to be finding their ownselves again lately.  Oh, how I've missed this.  Summer has much planned, we've just got to get past these finals!

Brace yourselves for the next 3 weeks:

1) Finals

2)  UCLA with the the clannnn & our huge van

3)  Padres Friday Friarworks

4)  Beach BBQ/Football @ La Jolla Shores

.....

There's only one thing that I want right now

and you know it.

Bee Fizzle Fizzle

OH SNAAAAP!  Can you believe this was over half a year ago?  I swear it was only a few days ago.  This is crazy!!!  

What can I say, what can I saaaaaay?

Well shi son, if I knew.

Its early but late

I have much to study for.  This is dangerous, pulling an all-nighter right before finals week.  Looks like I'm going to lack lotssss of sleep the next few weeks.  But I'll get by.

Spring Semester, hurry up.

It's difficult to find light at the end of the tunnel, but there always is.  It's just more obvious in times that we feel extremely happy.  It's hard to feel guilty for things, but be so extremely happy at the same time.  Oh my earth. -_-

I had a good day, tho.  Not mine.  But I'm excited for it!

I have decided that if I get a rabbit, I'm going to name him Chester.

I feel like I've been climbing up the same mountain

Over and over and over again.

I climb and I climb, and occasionally I stumble.  But as soon as I get back on my feet, I get ready to start climbing again.  But for some reason, each time is not very different from the other.  I get a little bit farther sometimes, sometimes not at all, but each time I fall, and never get to the top.

Is it too much to ask? Really?

For some reason this felt blog worthy

I found a new love, a new subway sandwich. Hah

Old:  Oven Roasted Chicken Breast on Italian Herbs & Cheese.  American Cheese, Lettuce, Red Onions, Tomato, Banana Peppers, Honey Mustard, Sweet Onion Sauce.

New!:  Black Forest Ham on Italian Herbs & Cheese.  American Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Spinach, Red Onion, Southwest Chipotle Sauce.

Yum!

What the hell happened?

I'm not even sure. Too many changes gone wrong.

Remember when feelings didn't matter? When everything was just go with the flow? When strings were never attached? When the only people who deserved your attention were the ones who cared enough to give you that back? I'm bringing her back, the one that knew how to live and have a good damn time, no matter what. Do what you wannnnnnt, but don't look for me to pick up your slack! (=

Wow, that sounds mean.
It's actually a good thing. ha

Aaron Marsh

Didn’t I tell you that I could hear you running out?
Didn’t I find you when I knew you were hiding out?
Didn’t I see you when you thought you’d never stand out?
Didn’t I find you?

Heart

What are you doing here?

Corn Soup Chips

I would definitely like to know a lot of things.

It's amazing what runs through my cranial region.

I would like to regain my strength.  I miss being a rock.  I hate being a softy!  A lot of times, I feel like I'm just waiting for a breakdown.  It's life straining -_-  & at the same time, I hope it never comes.

Let's just chill.  Whatever works, actually!

"With great reward comes great risk"

A lot of things are happening.  A lot of things are running through my head.

It only takes one thing to change who a person is.  In a way, I've done some things that compromise who I've claimed to be this past year.  But I've also come to realize that the person I thought I was, was just hiding from everything she could possibly be.

Does that make sense?  Probably not.  But who reads this, anyhow?

Changes Changes Changes.  It's time to make some risks, take some chances, be afraid and get excited, make some mistakes, and do what I can to make things better.

I know this one thing for sure:  I don't want you to leave.  Please stay.